This moment came up last night in conversation with a close friend and I was reminded that it has been two years since I made the call to the divine connection facilitated by the opening of myself in this way. I understood at that moment that I was ripe for a transformation and I needed help. I had been weening off of medications, I had been completely sober and celibate for a year and I had been ruminating in an isolated state since a particularly bad depressive episode following the death of a dear friend concurrent the inevitable end of a long term relationship a year prior.
I had been noticing many invitations from friends all over the world as well as those near me to connect, collaborate, and share moments together; clear communication of affection available to me that I could not allow myself to receive without reservations or suspicion.
I felt a call that day to suspend from my chest even though I was tender and menstruating. However, I was in the company of some of my best friends and greatest loves of many years, we were in the jungle of Brazil and the heat was awakening.
From the space in my chest being pulled by the hooks, I felt a great weight made painful by the knot in my throat. As I moved to settle into the burning of the hooks I noticed the birds and the insects around me getting loud, their choir intensifying with my movements, their silence palpable when I became still.
This is how the mundane reveals its divinity to me. In the space in my chest I felt a deep desire to receive the love available to me. A simple idea made nearly impossible by the great barrier I had built around my deepest self. I felt myself asking for help to bring this barrier down. Cradled by the great choir of the life around me, I surrendered to that fire in my heart and I felt my feet leave the ground as tears ran down my cheeks and into my hair. I danced for the life around me as their calls rose with my movements and thanked them in the moments their silence met me still.
My dark mother speaks with the tongue of every creature, with every movement in the air. Touching Earth I felt a deep love for the people around me and I put my head on the soil nearby to leave my tears and some blood. I received many hugs. Two years later the changes hold true, the hugs still feel solid.
Last night I felt a deep gratitude for the ones I can hold close without fear. I gave my friend a hug when he reminded me of this moment, when my dark mother spoke through him to remind me of the freedom in her divine receptivity.
To let go is an act of love, taking flight is an act of rebellion against the weight of self deceptions. What comes through is alive and unchanged by gravity.
Luna Duran performing a chest suspension in Brazil, 2021